I wish my mommy join the �.�no poo� (no shampoo) movement!

Dear George,
�No poo� which is short for �no shampoo� is the latest craze in North America getting more and more supporters every day! We�ve all seen humans going from one extreme to another in their search for happiness. So, for the time being, they decided that soap and shampoo are bad for them and stop using either. I heard some went as long as one year without shampooing their fur! Yak! Some are using some kind of oil and vinegar to clean themselves (guess these are fond of salad dressing) and some swear by �sun bathing�! But, NOT MY MOMMY George, not my mommy! Of course�.she is at the other extreme taking showers twice a day and probably washing her hair as often too! Now, she wants to give me a bath every once in a while so I�ll shine! My skin horripilated at the idea! I shine anyway as I meticulously and rigorously groom myself!
George, PLEASE post some basic rules of cat hygiene so humans will understand we hate water and don�t need baths!
Yours in �no poo and water� for cats
Stanley

Dear Stanley,
What will humans think of next! Just because they cannot clean themselves (tongues too small and bodies too inflexible) they think we cannot. We can. We groom ourselves beautifully. We enjoy doing it. It soothes us into serenity. It is a very important part of our daily lives.
As an expert on humans, I understand (though I dislike) their habit of throwing themselves into water or pouring water on themselves. They cannot clean themselves properly so that is what they need to do to stay clean. We do not need baths. Never. 
Well, almost never. The only circumstances when cats need baths is if they get something dangerous on their coats - lily pollen for instance or paint or creosote. If that happens, humans should ring the vet (that loathesome but informed human), ask what to do and follow their instructions to the letter.
Just shampooing us for no good reason will irritate our skin and, if they use human shampoo, may even be dangerous.  
There are specialist shampoos for cats - used by those humans who put us into little cat cages and leave us for hours at cat shows. Cat shows are extremely boring for most of us though a few enjoy the human adoration. If you have that kind of human, you may well decide to rehome yourself. 
So no shampoo, please. Brushing us? Yes please. That is particularly useful for older cats who may not be able to reach all their body parts. And we enjoy it as much as we HATE baths.
Yours 
George

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